pyroguysr's Diaryland Diary

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Ramblings

Sometimes I have to be hit over the head to see how lucky I am. I've got the type of constitution that says, "Hey, if you aren't happy, you are the only one that can change that, bucko!" And then I change it. I go do what makes me happy.

I was happy for a long time being a stockbroker. I had a lot of really great clients that believed in me and what I thought. I had the respect of the community where I lived because I was involved. I had the respect of my friends because I gave them respect. I was a scoutmaster, a pyro, invovled in the VFW, the American Legion, various community activities and in charitable events. I was Joe Corporate. I had a nice house, a good son and a decent marriage. Things evolve... things happen to test that happiness constantly. Sometimes good things happen, sometimes bad. Sometimes it's just change... but things evolve.

I became unhappy. I lost my dreams.

Maybe there were reasons for it, maybe they were even valid... but for the only time in my life, I know that if I could turn back the clock five years, I would and I'd do things differently. Then I'd still have my house, be close to my son, have a wife. Have my oak trees and a yard that takes forever to mow. I'd have the squirrels to watch, my cats, my books, my writing groups and my friends... Would I still be happy? That's... well, that's hypothetical. Maybe something else would have come along.

Anyway, things changed. I had to go through a year and a half of depression, five different prescriptions of meds and about 20 weeks of therapy before I realized that I just had to let go of the past.

You have to look toward the future. So what if you go through the next several years on autopilot? You just fly straight and look forward, ignoring the wrecks and the burning cities you've left in your wake... the death and destruction. This is what a pilot told me when I asked him about how he coped with Vietnam. That's part of the advice Brianna gave me. (I couldn't take it then, though. She was only 27 and had her whole lifetime ahead of her... I'm almost 50 and have only 30 or 40 years left in me and each one is going faster and faster!) You look forward, you ignore, you concentrate on YOU.

That's what I'm doing. I'm being selfish and concentrating on me. I realized back in December that I'm never going to rebuild the business I had. I'm probably never going to be able to rebuild my marriage, though I love Johanna still and miss her. I'm never going to have the trust of former clients and friends. I built up high expectations in my clients and, when I fell apart, when I could no longer function, it alienated them because they couldn't understand. I was such a "together" guy. How could I suddenly just crumble?

My problem there was that I cared too much. I can't afford to care that much anymore. Not enough time left in life to rebuild that. So now I've gone for the "fun" part.

People have noticed a difference in me when I quit caring about my house, my prestige, my money, my status and just concentrated on being Jack.

Now I'm involved again. I just got an email from the board of directors of RESCU (Renaissance Entertainers, Serviceworkers, Crafters United) to help them out in finding ways to get folks some health insurance and to work on charitable giving. I have dreams again of owning a house and being important in my community... it's just that this community has changed. It's no longer a little town in NW Indiana, but a nationwide community of strong-willed entrepreneuers, frustrated actors, geeks, silly people, ex-hippies and just really nice folks that need someone to help them out.

I feel wanted again.

But you'll note that I didn't say anything about "love."

No, I'll not fall in love again... not if I can help it, at least. Every time my love has stuck it's neck out, someone takes a swipe at it. It will take a really special, wonderful, sexy, nice, beautiful, caring, loving babe to coax that out of me. There were four people that had a chance to do that... two of them are gone now, having either moved on to new boyfriends or just disappeared. The other two, well... I've not met them yet.

There may be more, but I'm not getting my hopes up for any of them. It's safer to keep this one emotion under lock and key. Besides, I like flirting too much! *grins*

11:02 a.m. - 2004-04-07

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