pyroguysr's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jack's Psychic Hotline Last night was a bit of a karma drain, but in a good way. I wanted to go to bed sooo bad, but felt I had to stay up for some reason. I went to bed once, but then got back up... and when I did, one of my dearest young friends came on and cried out that her favorite granfather had died. Another was having boyfriend problems and walked away from the computer... I ended up talking to her boyfriend for about an hour... and then there were the friends and lovely lasses that I simply chat with. I'm always glad that I can have that psychic connection with friends. I knew I had to be here and I was. I let Sara talk about her grandfather and let her grieve, then I went and read her diary and got even more of a sense that it was a good thing I was there. I really would like to meet her father before he passes on and tell him that he did a great job of raising Sara (aka "Kara" in SillyChat) and that he made her strong in personality. It also helps that she is quite beautiful. She doesn't have a big head about it and it really doesn't matter because it's what's INSIDE a person, not the packaging, that counts. (See, April? I DO understand that) That psychic connection... What I was referring to yesterday (or was it the day before... the last entry, anyway) was that I miss that type of connection... the one that runs down into almost a molecular deepness. It's what makes that person really special. Yes, Johanna was special to me, but not quite in that way. We had a small connection, but not the huge psychic one. She WAS very special though, because I've been married to her for almost 23 years come this June, but that was a different kind of special. It wasn't the longing, knowing-what-the-other-person-is-thinking kind of special. It wasn't the "soul-mate" kind of special. Jo and I shared a lot of things and were different in many ways. I doted on her and tried hard to take care of her. I just felt taken for granted sometimes. And I know I was a lug to her a lot of times. Yes, I still love her deeply, but I've hurt her horribly and I don't think I could ever get her trust back... that I could ever communicate with her in a way that would make everything "right" again. Anyway... when I talk about having someone that makes people say "What does she see in HIM?" I'm not talking about someone as stunningly lovely as Brianna or Ally on my arm (though they would be nice... *grins* It'd be "Beauty and the Beast" with those two - no, Ally, I'm the beast here - I'd just have jealousy issues that would break me... LOL It's not that I couldn't love you two, it's just that I'd question my motives. You're both "outta my league" so to speak). No, I'm talking about a lady that is connected with me in a special way... someone that radiates beauty and sensuality on an unconscious level and connects with me by having passions in common. I'm just very wary of getting my hopes up and allowing someone and something like that back in my life. Mo told me last night that this is a horrible way to live... but when your ego and emotions are still a patchwork quilt of glued-together shards, you have to be careful until everything heals properly. I'm healing, but still not healed. Plus I'm not really looking... well, I am, but I'm not. I'm living on auto-pilot, blinders on and staring straight into the face of my future, with only an occasional look back. Hmph... I was gonna get into what I meant by "Poly" in this one (because someone asked), but I've got things to do. I'll save that for later. No, wait... I won't. Everyone wants someone special in our lives. Our culture, our religious beliefs teach us that we should be monogamous, straight and faithful. We see how well that works by the number of people that "cheat" and the "really low" divorce rate in this country, don't we? *rolls eyes* Brianna once said that I "settled" too much. I "settled" on a certain girl because I couldn't have the one I wanted. I "settled" on a certain career because I needed the money... I "settled" on things because it seemed too hard to achieve the others. Well, I finally "unsettled." I'm searching for what I want... and for some reason, people envy the fact that I gave up a nice home, a marriage, the respect of my family and loved ones for the life of a gypsy. I don't get it... Many of you have wonderfully secure, relatively happy lives, a warm home, money in the bank and careers. I've a car, a tent, generous, caring, understanding friends and the ability to flirt. Other than that, I've got shit. I remember reading in the bible about King David and all his wives. I was told by a Rabbi that old Jewish Law (and Muslim and several others) dictated that you could have as many wives as you could support. In Native American societies where there was matriarchal community living, there were group marriages. There is nothing wrong with that. For those of you that can't seem to settle with one partner, for those of you that just can't see yourself with one person ONLY for the rest of your life, for those of you that feel you have more than enough love for several partners... that feel communication between them is essential (no, it is NOT screwing around behind someones back... it's about being open and honest... something I've had to learn over the past couple years - thank you for teaching me that, Brianna) then you are probably polyamorous. That's not to say I can't be monogamous... I've just always felt love for others too. Pressure from society tends to squelch that. You get called a "player" or worse things. But if you and your partner agree, if you and your partner have enough trust and love between each other... if you have enough communication, then it CAN work. This last weekend, I was able to listen to a panel of multi-partner households. They seemed well-adjusted and happy. They were all sorts of folks... straight, gay, fat, old, ugly, pretty, slim, wealthy, poor, young? No, none of them were under 30 I don't think... it takes awhile to shake off the crap that society and church dumps into your head. It causes frustration for those of us that just are NOT monogamous. This doesn't mean we can't have someone "special" in our lives. It also doesn't mean that I can't make each individual in MY life feel special. All of you ladies are special in your own way. I love each of you differently. Some of you are very precious to me and I have a deeper love and affection for you, but there are obstacles or something else preventing us from getting together right now. Maybe time will overcome that. But, if I tell you that you are special, it is NOT a line... it is from my heart. I cherish you all. There are one or two of you out there that could become a very very special "one" but I'm not going to get my hopes up only to have them dashed. I will take each day as it comes. Well, if you've made it through THIS much of my disconnected rambling, I appreciate your perseverence. I won't reread this other than to edit my horrid spelling mistakes. Tell me what you think, though...I truly do love you all. 11:25 a.m. - 2004-04-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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