pyroguysr's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- COFFEE ADDICTS ARISE!: It's time to fight back! Coffee... It's the elixir of Gods, the battery acid of America; it's the South American Bean that gets us jumpin'. Oh, coffee, I've tried to wean myself from you! I've tried to reduce the grip you have on my life, but to no avail! You are an evil drug! Addictive! And yet, your label still carries no warning from the surgeon general! Ahhh, I needed you not when I was younger and had the energy of 10 my size from the moment I shot up out of bed. I burned through the day on a simple fast of bovine lactose covered and overly sugared breakfast cereal, handfuls of candy, white-bread PB&J sandwiches and whatever was managed to be served for dinner by my habit-ridden parents. Yes, verily! My batteries were still active until well-past bedtime. I even managed to survive without your influence through most of my time in the Navy, avoiding the temptations of that vile liquid known as "boiler room coffee." And all during that time, I was thin, damn you! THIN! Then, while in my late 20's, I took a job in a cold, cold machine shop in the winter where there was no hot water to heat up my cocoa. Only coffee. (The bastards actually encouraged this evil habit!) Insidious java. Joe. Yes, the caffeine junkies finally figured out a way to get me! Then they hooked me! They reeled me in. Soon, I had to drag myself out of bed with that tired craving, totally lacking in energy and initiative and twas all I could do to manage my way into work. I no longer functioned properly until I had my first fix of joe! Like the other addicts, I made a bee-line to that pot before I did naught at my job! I was hooked! The company I worked for was also corrupted by the evil bean empire. They encouraged our habit by becoming our supplier and actually taking money out of our paychecks to provide the drug! After all, what was a mere $5 every two weeks? Then my wife ensured my addiction by buying whole flavored beans! I was now thoroughly addicted and had to have the damnable johnny-jump-up on a daily basis, even on days when I was not required to report to my pusher/employer! I became an absolute snob about it, no longer content with the "cheap stuff," I moved on to the "gourmet" items, buying exotic specialty beans (that were grown on the slopes of volcanoes in the Pacific or in the jungles of Africa, for chrissakes!) that demanded I pony up $8 and $10 or more per pound rather than the $3.50 I was currently paying. No more was pre-ground "good enough," I had to buy it whole, then purchase a $20 bean grinder! No longer was the $5 percolator (gasp! I mean nobody boils their coffee water anymore!!) or the $10 simple coffee-machine adequate! No, I bought $60 coffee makers that would wake me to its alluring odor by automatically brewing it for me at the "perfect" temperature, first thing in the morning! I fell into its usage totally, not content with the regular filters. I had to have the natural papers... then the gold mesh! I ponied up the extra bucks for fattening half & half or *gasp* flavored creamers. And now, I simply crave it! Now that I'm a thoroughly depraved junkie, I cannot simply "make it at home"... no! No, nowI must now go to the mecca of addicts where you are lured in to overpaying for your fix by getting it through a... a... BARRISTA!! I crave that foam, that bitter-tasting power of a double-dosed, crammed-into-the-filter-until-it-bleeds, steam-pressured mix. Starbucks, Borders, Barnes and the igNoble, damn ye! I shake my fist at you! How dare you try and imitate those... those... FRENCH bastard commie bookstores and serve us addicts while convincing our enfeebled brains that the drug actually makes us "creative" and "creatures of thought!" ARISE, I say! Rise up, ye masses! Take back your lives and awaken naturally again! Demand the government investigate this travesty that has so many around the world held in it's evil grip. The coffee companies make millions by showing us sexy people in separate apartments coming together and sharing their contraband. They show insidious clips of little children preparing their parents daily fix! They have us in their grip and are profiting horribly from it! IT MUST BE STOPPED! Write your congressman! Write the governor! Write to the President himself! Let's make this an election-year issue! Help me! Help us all kick our habit! Provide rehabilitation money to individuals and businesses who have suffered lost time in their quest to "get a pot started!" WE MUST STOP THESE POT DRINKERS AND THE CAFFEINE PUSHERS THAT SELL TO THEM! It is against God and Nature that these huge corporations make money, not only off the backs of us hard-working Americans (and people of the industrial world!) but also off the poor and uneducated in South America that are forced to harvest and prepare this evil crop! Let's take a page from the tobacco fighters... let's make the BeanBastards pay for their crimes and sue the coffee companies out of business! JOIN ME TODAY! Send your contributions and support to "GROUND OUT", P.O. Box 50334, Baltimore, MD 21211 No checks, money orders or credit cards please! In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash! 10:18 a.m. - 2004-07-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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