pyroguysr's Diaryland Diary

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LAID

This little piece popped into my head the other night. No reason. Sometimes I just do freeform writing and somtimes some funny shit just comes out:

LAID

�So, what happened? Did you get laid?�
�Are you kidding? I�m a nice guy!�
�So?�
�Hon, in the real world, nice guys finish last. They always finish last. It�s the assholes that get the girl.�
�That�s not true!�
�Yeah, right,� I snorted. �You see how far it got me!�
�Sometimes you have to give things time to develop.�
�Who knows when I�ll see her again?�
�If she likes you, you�ll see her again,� she said confidently.
�If! IF! IF I see her again!�
�You will!�
�Yeah, right. Nice guys finish last. I tell ya. I hit it off really well with a babe last year. I see her again this year and she�s got a boyfriend. And he treats her like shit. So, I�m through being a nice guy!�
�How were you a nice guy this time?�
�She wasn�t feeling well, so I held her and talked to her. She fell asleep against my shoulder while we sat in front of the fire.�
�That was sweet!�
�Yeah? Didn�t get me anywhere.�
�You probably impressed her!�
�Yeah. So now we�re best buddies! Big woot!�
�Well, were you expecting to get laid?�
�No, I never go visit anyone with expectations. That way I�m always pleasantly surprised when something good happens. But nothing good happened.�
�I thought you said she fell asleep against your shoulder?�
�So the fuck what?�
�That was sweet! It was romantic.�
�Fuck romance.�
�What is your problem?�
�God damn it, I went there to get laid!�
�But you said you always go visit people without any expectations.�
�That�s right! It�s a self-defense mechanism so that I don�t get hurt!�
�But you�re hurt now!�
�Not as much as I would have been if I�d been expecting to get laid and didn�t.�
�I don�t understand you. You said you went there not expecting to get laid, but now you�re pissed because you didn�t get laid, but you say that by not expecting to get laid that it�s a defense mechanism against being hurt by not getting laid, but you�re hurt now because you didn�t get laid!�
�That�s about it.�
�Arrrgh!� she growled, frustrated, �If you didn�t want to get hurt, why did you go there at all?�
�Because if you don�t take chances, you can�t win!�
�Have you won yet?�
�Not yet, but at least I know I tried!�
She began laughing. �You are such an enigma!�
�What do you mean, enigma? I�m easy to figure out. I�m a nice guy. I don�t press the issue. I�m a fuckin� gentleman.�
�And what�s wrong with that?�
�Jesus, don�t you listen? It doesn�t fuckin� get you laid!�
�So, now you�re not going to be a gentleman anymore?�
�Nope. I�m gonna be a class-one asshole.�
�Well, you�ve made a good start!� she said angrily, putting her stuff into her purse, then asking me the same question she asks each time.
�Are you picking up the check?�
�If I do, will you come home with me and fuck me?�
�No.�
�Then you pay for the goddamned cake and coffee!�
She looked at me, open-mouthed for at least a full minute. �Fuck you!�
�Yep, that�s exactly what I want.�
�GRRRRRR! Oh, alright! Pay the check and I�ll come back home with you and fuck you. Maybe it�ll put you in a better mood!�
�Nope. Too late.�
�To late?�
�Yep! I�m no longer interested!�
�I don�t believe you just said that! You�re an asshole, you know that?�
�Yep. It�s what I�m shooting for.�
�Fuck you!�
�Will you?�
�Not now!�
�A moment ago, you said you would!�
�You told me you weren�t interested!�
�I said that to be an asshole!�
�Well, you�ve definitely made it!� She threw some money on the table.
�So, I can�t take you home?�
�No!�
�Why not?�
�Assholes don�t get laid either!�