pyroguysr's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Paula Angel Over the past 4 years, with all that's happened to me, I've had trouble getting to sleep and then trouble dreaming. I think it was because I was having such BAD dreams when I was asleep that I developed a fear of going to sleep. So, when I heard about this drug trial back in June, I called the number and got onto the test. The stuff they give me to sleep at night has some drawbacks in that it causes involuntary leg twitches. I didn't like that and I don't like how it makes me feel, but I found that if I take some calcium citrate with the pills, that it minimizes the twitches and I can get to sleep. And, oh! When I sleep it's a wonderful thing! They've become colorful again and almost opiate-happy in their sequence. Dreams of floating, dreams of being happy, dreams of contentment, dreams of fulfillment! I don't want to wake up, now! But I still harbor the 6 year "fear of going to sleep" that I developed. Part of the fear is the racing, swirling thoughts I have... feeling guilty about not accomplishing something; the guilt of not working as hard as I could on my novel; the guilt of not feeling what I should in my relationships with people; guilt that I've walked away from many of my problems without facing them down; guilt that I still love someone that utterly betrayed me. Guilt, guilt, guilt! Now my biggest guilt is that EVERYTHING I'm on keeps me from feeling guilty during the day. It's just that period just before sleep that makes all those guilts come rushing at me like linebackers on a 1st and goal. So, I'm having a hard time waking in the morning. The other night, though, our next door neighbor knocked on the door. She's a production assistant for a company here that makes videos, websites and such for various companies. Well, she has been sent to Dallas at the last minute and wanted to know if I could watch her cat and dog. "No problem." I'm ever the good and dutiful neighbor, she's cute and I love her cat, Nellie. The dog, Starsky, has to be walked at 8 am though. I am not much of a morning person, but saw this as an opportunity to force myself back into a "normal" sleep routine. So, I have to put my alarm in the next room and have it go off for five minutes before I get my grubby ass out of bed and dress to walk the dog (and cat. Nellie follows us). Ideally, I should walk right into the shower when I get up as that is an almost certain way to wake me up. But no, I walk the dog. That's not a difficult thing to do. I enjoy it. In the evenings, I've also been walking the dog. My neighbor, Meredith, said that we are welcome to watch her cable TV. So, when I got home from my writers group pizza party last night (which was fun) I went over and played an interminable game of "fetch the (broken) ball" with Starsky. For three hours. And she wanted to play more. The up-side is that Black Adder was on TV and it was the season where Hugh Laurie (of "HOUSE" on Fox) played the Prince Regent. It was entertaining to watch him speak in his natural British accent about a half-octave higher than his "New Jersey" speaking voice on HOUSE. Yes, I get entertainment out of the smallest and weirdest possible things. But I was talking about sleep. I love my dreams, even though I can't remember them most of the time. This last night, though, I was dreaming of this girl I briefly dated, and I've spoke of her before. Her name was Paula Angel. Like me, she was a second-generation American on her Father's side. Her father was a Russian Jew who emigrated from Lenningrad (St. Petersburg) to Israel to the U.S. He and his brother became successful lawyers, but something happened in Paula's family. Her father decided to move to Los Angeles and she decided to stay in Indiana to "stay with her freinds." I talked to her on many occasions and mentioned that I was going to move back to San Diego eventually. She told me she'd never go out there because it was "too close to her family." They'd had some sort of blow-up when they moved. I think Paula was a freshman in high school then. But she rarely spoke about her parents or family. She lived either with friends or with her aunt, uncle and cousins. Of all things, she had a cousin that was in my high school class and her name was also Paula Angel! She was short, skinny, dusky, long-haired and someone my brother once called "the ugliest girl [I've] ever dated." She wasn't ugly to me though. She was funny, intelligent, sexy, strong-willed and tender. I found out years later that she really really wanted to be my girlfriend. And I feel guilty about that because I really wanted her to BE my girlfriend as well. But we ran in different circles. Wayyyyy different. She ran with a lot of bad boys. One married her and she had a baby by him, then divorced him. The second one murdered her and her roomate 27 years ago. She was 20 years old. I've been dreaming that I'm floating and talking to her. Both of us are confessing that we wish we'd tried to get together. I sometimes wonder that, if we had, she might still be alive. I don't know. I can't say for sure that it would happen. The fates always have their hands in things. Maybe it's because of her that I really have this thing for skinny, flat-chested females. She certainly fit the bill. But I had that thing long before. *shrugs* Well, I'm not going to try to analyze it too much. I'm enjoying our dream talks. She keeps telling me not to dwell on it. But as she does it, she is hugging me and I remember every little detail of how she felt against me 30 years ago when we had our one date and made love for three hours in my parents basement. I'm trying to let go of baggage. It's difficult for a pack-rat like me to do though. Well, if you're looking for something witty or a joke in here, I'm sorry to disappoint you. All you're getting are my feelings inside. Believe me, it was a debate. I've not felt like putting anything down. Too many people look to me for "inspiration" or to give them "something uplifting." I've nothing to offer today. Just me blathering on about what has been going on in my head. 3:02 p.m. - 2006-02-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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