pyroguysr's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Like Mike I WANT TO "BE LIKE MIKE..." I don't know whether it's the fact that, at age 52, I'm now divorced, left a job where I had fun (but didn't get paid much and didn't have much prestige compared to my previous life as a stockbroker for the former Big Digit Bank that has now become the "I'll Catch You Yet" Bank who says they are "free to do what I want at any old time" - Yes, those are euphamisms for their actual names) or if it's that I'm back home, living with a mother that was once... well, neat.. but not a fanatic about it... but isn't anymore. I'm back home, but I'm not. I'm not in the place I want to be. None of it is "mine." None of it has my "stamp". None of it has been "personalized." I may as well be living in a hotel room - but one that doesn't have any maid or room service at all. I spend 1 or 2 nights cleaning and then one day during the weekend as well, yet I know that tonight I'll come home to about 30 dishes in the sink with crusted on food, the floor strewn with cat puke (mom's cat), dropped used tissue that didn't quite make it into the trash bin next to her "spot" at the kitchen table, plastic bits littering the space under the table from her nebulizer and various bits of dropped food around her chair, pastry crumbs all over the top of the table, six coffee cups half-full of cold liquid and varying amounts of junk mail piled up all over every available bit of counterspace and no sign of the two place settings I'd arranged that morning. Mom is 84 going on 8. She will have done nothing but watch TV, play solitaire, make the messes and sleep. The cat has the run of the house (and the counters) which I am NOT allowed to punish Sugar for, while I can't manage to get a halfway clean place at the table to eat my dinner. People wonder why I'm cranky when I finally get online. I feel beaten down. No longer do I see the beauty in the world like ~lea~ does (though I love reading her blog because of her refreshing descriptions) or have the upbeat spirituality that MoonMuse has or even the interesting and amusing senuality of The Blonde anymore. (These are all 360 blogers in my "other" life...) Instead, I crawl into the cavern of a room to hide from the disarray; I flee to the dark in the basement in the house where I grew up... into the "party room" of my teen years that is reminiscent of "That 70's Show". I lock myself away, turn on the computer and get lost in the world of Mike Magee - the main character of my novels - like I used to do when reading the works of others. Now, it's my own writing and characters that fascinates me. He's so much more interesting than I am. Yes, I know, this should probably be over in my "DeadSquirrelPubs" page because it's mainly about my writing... but it also has to do a little with this side of my personality as well. Mike is successful, confident, brash and plunges ahead once he's made a decision... whether that decision is to pull the trigger on some scum-bag, talk to a strong, intelligent woman that catches his eye, rescue the self-same woman he loves from the bad guys, make mad, passionate LOVE to the woman he loves or, even choose the right wine/whiskey for the moment while sitting in a chair in front of the fire, petting his 24 lb monster of a Maine Coon cat named Maggot. He has interesting people in his life. He's a social creature that actually enjoys being by himself, yet can still motivate himself to go out and be entertained by the world as a whole. He doesn't NEED anyone, yet he manages to either fall in love or get wistful and pine away for that perfect love he had with his late wife. And somehow, the one area he IS like me is when he does find someone he wants to share time with. He's passionate, he's totally committed, the emotionaly relationship soars like a rocket on the night sky, only to have it end in a spectacular failure by the end of the story, leaving Mike either suicidal, bitter, jaded or cold. Mike Dominates. He does it to all around him; getting them to do things that he wants, bending everyones bidding to his will. He does it almost effortlessly, unconsciously and with grace, but he does it. However, the one thing in life that he wants to work out, the one area that he wants to be dominant in, is in the area of his heart. There, things are perpetually FUBAR. Like me, he rarely gets what he really wants in love, generally having to settle for what he needs. My writing is my subconscious at play, working out who and what I am or want to be, delving into the depths of my thinking to see if I can justify my beliefs. I enjoy these excursions when I can get into the mood, the same way I enjoy driving down a stretch of road I've never driven before. It's a new experience! And, until this past weekend, I've not really written much since July. This Saturday, I got tired of all the drama online, all the hurt, all the jostling for positions of power within chatrooms - the warring, the sparring, the "who-should-be-considered-whom" and "what- relationships-should-actually-be" on the net. I got tired of the wondering whether or not those that I loved actually loved me back and, if so, why they spent most of their time trying to hurt me/frustrate me/get me angry/guilt-trip me. So I got lost in the novel again, revising it for the 18 millionth time, going through six chapters, rewriting clumsy sentences, adding detail, filling in the sketch like a Renaissance Master painting on the canvas. I wanted this ready by now... should have been working on it since July and ready to mail out to publishers reps along with a query letter and the first chapter. But I stopped back in July to return to chat because I was bored. I wanted to see if anyone interesting was out there. I was interested in finding out if I still WAS a Dom anymore. And like all good Doms... like Mike... I had... I HAVE my moments of self-doubt. Mike is the Dom I want to be... the one I strive to be. And I always feel like I'm falling short. SHAMELESS PLUG If you'd like a copy of "Texas Truck" (better known as "THE-BOOK-As-It-Stands-Now"), you can send me an email and I'll ship it to you for reading, critiquing and advice - but ONLY if you're going to read it! I'll warn you now... it's currently 270 pages or 83,000+ words long (and still growing... it WAS upt to almost 96,000 until I started editing). It probably gives you better insight into my psyche than anything else, though. Problem is, this is "Book 5" in a series of 9 and the one that's most complete out of the three (books 3 and 7 are the other two) that I've written so far. In other words, you don't have a lot of the "back story", some of which has yet to be written. So, if you like action/adventure novels in the Mack Bolan/Mickey Spillane genre (though my character is NOTHING like them) then send me a line and I'll pass my writing along. 1:07 p.m. - 2006-12-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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