pyroguysr's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- AFTERMATH AFTERMATH Thank you all again for your kind words. Everything is now done. Mom is resting next to Dad and we face the task of slowly dividing up the "estate" (what little there is left) as well as taking care of all the stuff accumulated. My folks were pack-rats. I will be staying in the house until the real estate market firms up a bit, then we will decide whether or not I will buy the house or we sell it and I get a "better" house. Part of it will depend on my own financial position at that time, as well as whether or not I've become involved in a relationship by then. It's odd. Three months ago, I felt my life was moving at a snails pace. Now it's almost moving too fast. How do I feel about her passing? Relief, mostly. It's very difficult to watch someone that was very active, that you knew to be strong and full of life to slowly deteriorate to the point where she depended on you for everything. I was becoming sullen and bitter in many ways. I hated watching what was happening to her. She was caught in the prison of her own house and health. (A word to the smokers out there: Stop. Mom smoked 3 packs of Pall Malls a day from age 14 until age 74. Yes, she made it to age 85... almost 86... but it was her genes. Had she not smoked, I'm sure she would have been active and around another 10 years and having fun instead of struggling for breath by walking from the bedroom to the kitchen... a mere 30 feet.) And yes, I feel a little guilt. I know I could have done more for her and I know I can be a selfish person. But I also watched how my brothers allowed me to make all the decisions, then bitched a little about a few of them - especially where finances were concerned. But I made the best decisions I could and one brother was smart enough to point out that I actually increased the amounts we were getting with one of those decisions. But it's rough. Everyone has a different "recollection" about what had been done for them in the past by Mom and Dad. Everyone thinks that someone else got away with something. I've done my best to bring those kinds of discussions to a quick end, lest they become devisive shouting matches. I know I've had to check my temper more than once or twice this past week. But I'm also the one they turned to for all the important decisions. The "do not resuscitate" one, the burial plans, the choice of readings and hymns to be sung in the church (I lost it in the middle with "Ave Maria" which was a favorite of Mom and Dad's. But I really started falling apart at the end with "Amazing Grace" which is my favorite... though it was played by bagpipes in my head. Thank the Gods for my son and more especially, my Granddaughter!) Yes... Katelyn and her bubbly, joyful, dimpled face kept us all smiling and distracted when we would have normally been falling to pieces. The eldest female in the family passes and the youngest brings us together. Life is amazing sometimes. 12:13 a.m. - 2008-03-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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