pyroguysr's Diaryland Diary

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I write here because so few folks read this anymore. I need to vent and this has become my place to do so.

Wow, I don't think I've ever felt this alone, this isolated. I spent the better part of 8 years working to get here so that I could be with "the one" and her kids as a family. Instead, I'm an afterthought. I'm in the periphery. I'm left to fend for myself and flounder. Had I known that she would spend only one night in two years with me, I would never have left the room I was sharing at a house with a very gracious Hindu family. I got really good vibes from them, but I wasn't allowed "overnight visitors."

So, I got "my own place" not far from her house. She got me a cat "to keep me from being too alone." I love Chester, but I didn't want a relationship with a cat. I wanted one with my lady.

But she lives with her parents, who have made it far too lucrative for her to leave. She spends what she wants on herself and the kids. They get everything handed to them and, while they are intelligent and well-mannered, they are slowly starting to feel "entitled" which is something I don't agree with.

Her house, where she lives, is ruled by her mother who, while nice to me (because I stand up to her and tell her when she's being unreasonable), is a passive-agressive tyrant. I get told that I am welcome there "anytime" but I still have to make an appointment to show up. The last few times I've been there, the kids all stayed in their rooms and didn't bother to come down to say hello. I feel isolated, even when I'm there.

My hopes for this relationship are fading and I'm finding it more and more difficult to ignite any feeling of desire or love for another human being. Oh, I'll be kind and civil and will help out someone in need, but I'm just emotionally worn out and I don't feel anything for anyone anymore - including my own family. I'm slowly building a very thick, very high, emotional brick wall around me. "Hey, I like you and all, but please don't get too close, okay?"

I'm also feeling quite trapped. There shouldn't be a job in this area paying less than $14/hr because that is break-even for anyone who has to pay rent, makes a car payment and also has to afford the insurance. Instead, I'm faced with offers of $10/hr jobs and the one I'm in is very dead-end. I've a difficult time getting up in the morning because I'm not even remotely motivated or excited about what I do. To my employers, I'm just an exploitable nobody that they are trying to convince to work an extra 10 hours per week for commission only.

Top that off with the small accident I had in February during an ice storm and the insurance company dragging their feet about paying the claim so I can get my car repaired (it's leaking coolant) and I'm about at my wit's end. I'm trapped here, I can't afford to stay and I can't afford to leave.

So, I'm looking for other jobs (including second jobs) and looking for other places to stay even though I've signed up for another year's lease. It's stressing me the fuck out and it doesn't help that the one I moved here to be with doesn't seem all that concerned about keeping the relationship going.

That whole thing of me not caring about anyone anymore? That bothers me the most - mainly because I've come to the conclusion that the ones I've cared about all my life seem to have turned their backs on me.

Well, you know what? Imagine me standing in front of you. I raise my arm with a closed fist and use my other hand to pretend I'm cranking something. I am. My middle finger slowly rises and I shake it in your face.

I'm angry, I'm hurt and I'm not feeling very forgiving as of late.

8:05 p.m. - 2015-04-29

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