pyroguysr's Diaryland
Diary
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It’s a crushing feeling of foreboding. A feeling that, no matter what you do, it won’t matter, you will fail. And you will fail because you feel you have failed all your life. You don’t see the good you’ve done, only where you have botched things up beyond all belief. And, not only will you fail and think of nothing BUT the failure, you fear that your friends and family will either ridicule you for that failure – or worse, won’t care.
It’s the feeling, the realization that there is nobody in your life that can help you. It’s feeling like a 3 year old kid who is overwhelmed and has to be shown how to do things, step-by-step… sometimes more than once. And not seeing anyone step up to the plate.
Its feeling like every little bump in the road is a wall or a derailment that you can’t overcome, can’t cope with. Your head is churning and your thoughts are spinning like a whirlwind and you can’t seem to grasp at anything. Nothing interests you, nothing holds your attention except the grief and pain and disappointment that has been your life.
It is watching helplessly as the days slip by, one-by-one, and you accomplish nothing. You are afraid to call, afraid to put in that application, afraid to write that letter because you are afraid of rejection.
And the person you fear rejection from the most is your own self.
You aren’t wallowing in self-loathing, you are trapped in its tar-like quicksands. You are too far away for most folks to help and the ones that are close don’t know what to do to help you because you cried for help too late or worse, didn’t cry for help at all. And the worst thing anyone can do is to tell you to snap out of it and pull yourself out of it. There is nothing to grab onto, damn it!
Your hands shake, you are filled with nervous energy that you can’t seem to dissipate. You can’t sit long enough to read or watch a movie or do anything except get lost in a world inside your head. You keep one hand in this world to keep you from disappearing through that hole as well, even though it is a much nicer, kinder world where everyone likes you and helps you.
Nor do you want to slip into that world where you wander off into oblivion via drugs, a bullet or a fall. Instead, you choose a slow death of over-eating, drinking too much or some other stupidity.
And yet, sometimes all you need is a hug. Sometimes all you need is a little caring and some words of encouragement. Sometimes, you need your family around you, most especially the ones you may have hurt deeply at one point because of your disease. You want to tell them that you really do love them and miss them, but again, you fear the rejection. But you long for the human contact, the little things like a touch, a caress or a kiss. And when that doesn’t happen, you sink deeper into that quicksand of despair. You give up. You lose it all. You die or end up on the streets.
I don’t want to be there. But I’m heading there quickly.
12:16 p.m. - 2015-05-19
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