pyroguysr's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - I'm starting to get used to this. "This" meaning acute anxiety disorder, bi-polar disorder, depersonalization disorder, arthritis, tinnitus, hearing loss. I'm getting used to dealing with it on my own. They say "cry out for help." I'm lousy at doing that. When I do, too many people just don't understand what I'm saying. Or they don't return my calls. Or they can't help. So, I work to fix myself. It takes longer each time I do it, but I eventually fix myself. I will no longer rely upon anyone else. Yes, I'll look fondly upon those days when I could go into chatrooms or call a friend or talk to my lover. Those days are gone, though. They have all retreated from the avalanche that is my emotional wall. About the only ones to get through anymore are young children - my granddaughters and the like. Because I KNOW they can't help, I don't rely upon them to do so and therefore there are no expectations. My feelings of love and being emotionally attached to someone are a long-distant memory. I don't have the patience or the energy to build a relationship like that anymore. And I also feel like I've let everyone down. So much so, that I'm embarrassed to show my face outside my door. Tomorrow though, I will have to face some things and force myself to go outside and get things done. I will get these anxieties under control enough to do so. The VA has been such a disappointment here. I haven't seen a shrink, but a PA. I've not seen a psychologist nor been offered one. There is no mental-health support in this area. Everything is in Danville and I will NOT go to Illinois to receive treatment. It would cause too many complications. But, I have to get going tomorrow. I'm running out of time. 11:40 p.m. - 2016-02-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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