pyroguysr's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Here, There, and Everywhere. They say that the things we dislike most in others is actually what we dislike in ourselves. Me? I dislike superficiality and pretense. But, then again, I may now be the most superficial person I know. About 95% of the time, I'm happy being on my own. Then I make an attempt to be social and perhaps find someone of the opposite sex to hang out with and maybe develop a semi-relationship with and, when I do find myself attracted to someone, I find little things that disappoint me. First off, I DO have a preference for short, thin females with small breasts, but that is simply a physical preference. However, that has caused many people to tell me that I am "superficial" because I am most sexually attracted to that physical type. The reality is that I'm attracted to many women of all physical types. But, its disheartening when I begin to... I want to say "feel out," but it just comes out wrong when I do that... ...when I discover that I am somewhat attracted to a woman that is nowhere near my ideal because I think the feelings might just be reciprocal, only to discover that she's attracted to someone else or that she's just gone through a divorce and is basking in the attention of several guys (I made it a point to never EVER be "the rebound guy" again) and I back off. Why? My mind goes into overdrive and I tell myself, "Hell, if you can't attract HER, how the hell will you ever attract someone you find more "ideal"? And then that emotional wall falls into place and I just walk away so that I don't feel the hurt and pain anymore. Yes, I've even signed up for online dating sites. I found three that were "ideal" body types (and several that weren't, but were interesting until they became clingy or possessive). Of the three, one was a crack junkie, the second "had Hep-C" and did her best to make herself sound unappealing to me and the third was... almost perfect. We went out on five dates and it all seemed to be falling into place when she hit me with, "Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?" Um, what part of "spiritual but not religious" in my profile did you not understand? Maybe I *should* become a Baptist hypocrite. There were a lot of hot-looking women at that church! LOL Nah, I wouldn't be able to keep my cynicism toned down enough. So, my love-life pretty much sucks. Yesterday, I went to my local coffee shop and brewery to do some writing. I ended up reading poetry I'd written some 15 years back, when my breakup with Sandra was killing me. I also read some poetry that I'd written for internet friends, two of which I still semi-keep up with now, but have their own lives (both got married, one got divorced and has her own emotional barrier in place so, sadly, we've pretty much ceased talking.) I was reading the poetry that I wrote to/about the latter lady and realized again how much I miss talking to her like we used to. I was very attracted to her then and I still am, but we are like two magnets with the same polarity and we keep pushing each other apart. I've wanted to tell her that I still think she's beautiful, but I guess it sounds false in her ears. That, plus she's in a different social stratum than I am now. On top of that, Mary-Claude keeps drifting in and out of my life. She hasn't really called me in over 6 months, but she said that was mainly because she "never knew when she could call me" because of my work hours. But I've called her several times in the past two months and it went straight to voice mail - until yesterday, when I put an alarm on my phone to call her. The only one I really talk to is her eldest daughter, who is about to graduate from high school, has decided she is gender-fluid and prefers to be called Riley rather than her given name of Amber. I'm wondering how much of that has to do with her estrangement from her father and the head-trips he's put on her, along with the dysfunctionality of the extended family where she lives now. She's very high-strung, may be a closet "cutter" and sometimes talks about suicide, but knows she's too chicken to actually do it. She throws her passions and emotions into inanimate objects - American Girl dolls. I don't judge her and have always accepted her for what she is and it reflects on how much she calls and texts me. Many times, when she is stressed out about events at her home, I've offered to let her stay with me if she would like to come visit. I think she would like it here, but I doubt she will come, unless she and her mom make it a "road trip" and do it on a vacation. Riley told me that I am the father she *wishes* she had. Mainly because I just listen and try not to judge. There are some days when I wish her mother would listen - both to her daughter and to me. Mary-Claude and I haven't ever really discussed my time out there, how frustrating it was to find that we would NOT be living together "as a family" and how her mother is a tyrant that controls everything with her passive-aggressive behavior and obsessive-compulsive nature. I'm the only one that ever stood up to the old biddy (albeit in a calm and level, yet firm manner) and she respects me a bit, I guess. But living out there drove me to bankruptcy and I was barely able to crawl back here. I'm finally happy again, fairly financially stable and not as depressed as I once was. I don't want to live on the East Coast ever again. I'm quite content in my little midwestern city and it's multitude of summer festivals. I just miss... sharing things... with someone special. I'm bothered that I am not the social person I was some 15 or 20 years ago. I am trying to take baby-steps in changing this. My goal this week is to make it over to the library and see about getting a room to have a writer's workshop started next month. I've been procrastinating on that like crazy (going on 2 years now), but I know it is the first step I need to take to get back into my social self. I also applied to join the Tippecanoe Arts Federation, but I've not heard back from them (or maybe I have... will have to check my spam box. I've become really bad at looking at my email) I'm done bitching. Wow, this was all over the place, eh? Off to do laundry. 1:44 p.m. - 2017-05-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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