pyroguysr's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- To My Friends! OK, so I had too much caffeine when driving tonight and can't sleep. So I've been sitting here catching up on everyones diaries. I've been having a laugh at some of them, but I won't tell you which so that I don't have any jealousy issues here. I do love you all, but I really enjoy reading some of them more than others because they make me smile and cry. I'm trying hard not to get introspective here, because if I do, I'll get fuckin' depressed because it's a holiday and Johanna is spending the time with my family instead of me. I miss my son and wish I were there to help him and bolster his confidence. I feel like I've deserted people, i.e. run away to join the circus if you will. In many ways I have. I've run from all my problems and worries to try and start a new life with a new cast of characters. I just can't always shake the old ones though. I'm damaged goods. I've lost the ability to love, though I'm learning how to communicate, even though I say stupid, insensitive things a lot. Wait a minute... I did NOT lose the ability to love... I've lost the ability to FALL in love. I stop myself now from getting my hopes up. I still want that beautiful, loving, sexy lady in my life... wherever she may be. I want someone that will turn heads as I walk down the street with her. I want to be on the receiving end of the comment "Jesus Christ, what the fuck does she see in HIM?" What happens though is that every time my "love" sticks it's head out, it gets swiped at and runs back into that deep, dark, dank hole where it feels safe. My love's become a gollum. I'm working desperately to keep it from becoming cynical and bitter. Not to say I can't love, but it's become such a surface thing... I don't seem to be able to develop an emotional attachment to anyone anymore... going through life on auto pilot. Maybe that's best for now. OK... time for some comments: Kikkles and NewSoulie: I love you both like sisters... granted, it's an incestuous love, dirty, kinky and full of fetish, but there are days when I wish I could just reach through the screen and hug you both, making you feel safe, warm and knowing that all will be OK. You both deserve so much. I wish I could make you look at your blessings rather than your faults. MrsCoble: A lot of the same, but if I had one request I could make of the gods and goddesses, it would be that I could get your Gorb to you and make you both feel happy and secure forever and a day. I've not met the dude, but I feel like he's my brother. I swear I will take him out for beer, booze, ice tea or whatever someday. I might even let you tag along (though that might keep him from telling me all the juicy parts about you) Sneech: Youse is the cuddliest friend. I think we succeeded too well with Rex, eh? But at least I'm down from being 299 years old to just 99 with him. Jelly, Jelly, Jelly... such a face... such a look... such a married person! LOL Wench: You're still perfect in every way. *adoring looks from afar* Hurry up and graduate! Sacy and Buttwhore: Your rants and chants and ramblings on are what make me smile, laugh, cry and hope. Two beautiful babes that are like best friends. Zalitar... buddy... I wish we could hang together, drink beer and watch sports on TV. We'd drive all my liberal friends nuts, dude! *grins* HozerBrat... you've got Sacy... you bastard! *grins* I miss getting together with you and Kara to kick ass at Monopoly. fuck, who am I missing? Too tired to remember, but whoever you are, you're not forgotten... well, temporarily you are, but I'll write an ode to you later. I'm gonna take a double whiskey, put the cat in the kitchen and go to bed. It's fuckin late. 4:06 a.m. - 2004-04-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||