pyroguysr's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Blah! Nobody means to, but everybody has been mentioning it: Jack, what are you going to do for your 50th birthday? The answer is: Nothing! I don't want to think about it. I don't want to celebrate it, don't want a fuss made over it and don't want to have a party. I should be celebrating it with my family - my son and wife - and I'm not!! I messed that up three years ago, both with the wife and with that "other woman" who, damn it, still has a grip on my heart (but the grip has slipped quite a bit). Quite honestly, the thought of it hurts... deeply. I've been working hard to think of it as "just another day" and was hoping it was going to pass as such. So far, no luck. Was talking to Wenchie last night about county fairs and looked up the Lake County Fair back in Indiana... The pyrotechnic company I work for (Mad Bomber) is having a fireworks show on... August 10th of all days... That put the stake right through my heart. Wasn't Wenchies fault... She was happy about going to hers with her best friend, Hannah, and she had a ton of fun! I was overjoyed to talk to her about it after she got back, telling me all about the lemonade, the mini donuts and the cute guy at the rodeo. We laughed and compared notes about our respective fairs, with me telling her she needed to ride the Zipper or Ferris Wheel (and her saying she wanted to do that with someone special in her life - preferably male) and I implored her to eat an elephant ear or a funnel cake. Turns out she doesn't have elephant ear vendors at her fair... she did see a funnel cake guy, but by then had already purchased her donuts! LOL Wenchie makes me smile, no matter what! Sometimes, though, talking to her reminds me of the love I once had for and with someone else. It was a bubbly, silly, talk-about-anything-and-everything kind of relationship. It was the kind of thing where you revealed your secrets to one another (and, unfortunately, had those secrets slapped back in my face and discussed with someone else). That kind of relationship could be and was very inspiring and I had some of my most prolific years of writing then. Not all was dedicated to that person, though. Right now, Wench is being far more inspirational, far more encouraging and far more interesting in many ways. *takes a deep breath* And, at least Wenchie likes me right now. I still need to cry and still can't. But, thank you, my cute lil muse, for helping me think about other things last night. I'll just keep writing and maybe this will all go away. Kat's birthday is next Monday and I've not the slightest idea of what to get her. 5:02 a.m. - 2004-07-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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