pyroguysr's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Optimistic Pessimist Disjointed I feel shut off. Isolated. Bored. Lonely. I have to go to libraries for computer access and I don't have a cell phone so I can't be contacted easily. My attitude is less than good. I know I'm doing this to myself sometimes, but I'm really trying to perk up. A lot of it is a mental game. I've played it before. All the positive thinking pundits say that "I have the choice of how my day will go." I believe them, but it's hard to pull yourself up when you've lost belief in yourself. It brings to mind that Creed song: "I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking, maybe six feet ain't so far down!" I've been out to my house twice now. I can feel the power and energy I've always felt from this property, but it's no longer mine. So much is being left unsaid between Johanna and I. There is so much hurt and pain there. But there are so many things that need to change between us. We've grown soooo far apart. I think we can still be friends, but I see that she still loves me. I love her too, but not in that special way that I miss so much... in that way that makes you feel incomplete when they aren't around you... in that way that makes you feel comfortable growing old with them... in that way that, when wake up each morning and see her sleeping next to you and it takes your breath away, you wonder just how come you got so lucky. I'm also in the mental sphere of that other bitch and it hurts because she apparently hurts now. Here I'm thinking that it's what I wanted for her in revenge, but I've too much empathy. She's lonely and hurting for someone in her life to share creativity. I am as well. But I won't offer my friendship to her. Nope. No way. She dumped me, so she has to be the one to crawl back and beg forgiveness... and she won't. I had a dream the other night I spent in the hotel room. It was a conversation I had with that other bitch and explained to her why I couldn't ever go back to her. One of two things would happen... either she would again have a stranglehold on my heart and would regain the power over my emotions and self-esteem or I would crush out all her independence, spunk and individualism, making her submit totally to me and my whims. I don't like either of those scenarios. It's too much like all the other relationships she's had... then again, she's caught in that cycle... I see the love that has developed in the lives of my friends - April and Gorb, Jay and Sarah, just to name two - and I want that... I miss that feeling of... limmerence I think the word is. I had that once. I think I may have the potential to discover and develop it again, but there are days and times when I have to face reality and consider that the gap is just too great. Other days, I think "What difference does age make, just as long as you love and trust one another?" Then there are days when I feel my heart just isn't ready for things, even though I want it to be... but I still want that feeling. Yet, there IS someone that does take my breath away each time she calls or each time I receive an email or a picture. I fight the feeling, even though I want that emotion in my life, damn it! I'm just afraid of letting it happen again! Maybe I should throw caution to the wind and let my heart go like a helium-filled balloon, letting it drift on the winds of elation. I'm just fearful that there is an evil little kid lurking out there with the BB gun just wanting to target something. Perhaps I should play it safe and wait until we've met to see if there is chemistry there. I'm not going to build up hopes for something as ethereal as electrons appearing on a screen. I'll just finish the story I'm writing and write the ending the way I think it probably will happen. OK... sorry my thoughts are so disjointed... but I woke up again this morning with thoughts of that someone I'd like to have in my life...and it's disturbing me - in a good way, but disturbing me still. I'd love for it to happen, but I think I may just be entertaining an "old man's fantasy." I'm tempted to say "I hope not" but I'm too much a realist to believe otherwise at this point. *sighs* I used to be such an optimist... a "romantic optimist." "Can you take it all away? Take it all away? When you shoved it in my face? This pain you gave to me?" 2:49 p.m. - 2004-06-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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